Every 9/11 Conspiracy Theory Is Stupid—Except For This One I Just Came Up With

Disclaimer: The difference between me and Ron Johnson is that I'm just kidding.

The stupidest people in the world are 9/11 truthers. They’ve had twenty-four years to come up with a theory for why the U.S. government would have orchestrated 9/11, and they still haven’t produced one that makes sense.

The classic version is that George W. Bush wanted to go to war in the Middle East. But if that were true, he could’ve just… gone to war in the Middle East. The U.S. had just wrapped up a popular and successful intervention in Kosovo. Bin Laden was already wanted for the 1993 WTC bombing and the 1998 USS Cole attack. Bush didn’t need a false flag. He could’ve just launched airstrikes.

Another problem for the truthers: bin Laden admitted it. Repeatedly. We also have mountains of physical evidence from the planes and crash sites at the Twin Towers, the Pentagon, and Shanksville. None of this stopped conspiracy theories in 2002, when the ground was still smoking and the 9/11 Commission hadn’t published its report. But now, in 2025, it’s all been debunked. Exhaustively.

So what’s left? For most truthers today, it all comes down to one building: WTC 7.

You could be forgiven for not knowing what that is, because on 9/11, no one cared. It was an unremarkable office building about 300 feet north of the Twin Towers. When the Towers fell, debris hit WTC 7, setting off fires on multiple floors. The water main was destroyed, so the sprinklers didn’t work. Firefighters evacuated the building and didn’t try to fight the fires—they knew it was pointless. Eventually, the heat caused a steel girder to slip from its seat, and around 5:20 p.m., the building collapsed.

In short: WTC 7 was an unfamous, empty building that fell down after being hit by debris from two very famous buildings filled with thousands of people. No one cared.

But conspiracy theorists point to two supposedly suspicious facts:

1. No steel-framed building had ever collapsed due to fire.
   True—but engineers have explained exactly why WTC 7 did.

2. The collapse looked like a controlled demolition.
   Also true. But a symmetrical collapse doesn’t mean explosives. It means structural failure happened at a specific point, just as the official report described.

Just recently, Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin went on TV and said that he wanted a new investigation into 9/11 because WTC 7 was brought down by a “controlled demolition.”

And here’s the problem: they’ve never explained why anyone would want to blow it up.

The standard “false flag for war” narrative falls apart here. No one needed WTC 7 to fall to support military action. The Twin Towers were gone. The Pentagon was hit. Thousands were dead. WTC 7's collapse didn’t move the needle for anyone.

Other theories don’t work either:

• The SEC files theory: WTC 7 was home to an SEC enforcement office. Some say it had to be destroyed to erase sensitive financial records. But those records were backed up.

• The CIA office theory: The CIA reportedly had an undercover office on the 25th floor. Maybe those files needed to disappear. But again: if the government wants to destroy its own files, it doesn’t need to demolish a skyscraper. It can just press delete.

They’ve had twenty-four years to produce a motive, and they’ve failed. Because they’re stupid.

To underscore how stupid and lazy they are, I have done their job for them. As a creative writing exercise, I’ve come up with a WTC 7 conspiracy theory that, while fake, at least hangs together internally. If you had schizophrenia, you could believe it.

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A Conspiracy Theory That (Almost) Works

Step one: detach WTC 7 from the rest of 9/11. Bin Laden took credit. Truthers claim he was a CIA plant—but if that were true, why did he spend a decade dodging American capture, to Bush’s great political frustration?

So let’s keep it smaller. The CIA didn’t do 9/11. The CIA let it happen.

Step two: what if the incriminating evidence inside WTC 7 wasn’t something the US government could destroy any other way—because it wasn’t theirs?

Here’s how that might look.

OPERATION DEWDROP

After the fall of the Berlin Wall, America’s spies had a new problem: they’d won. No more Soviets. No more Cold War. The U.S. was the world’s only superpower—and most of the action was happening at home. But there was a catch.

The Constitution.

The CIA wasn’t allowed to operate domestically. The NSA was hemmed in by oversight. Meanwhile, global finance was consolidating on Wall Street—and America’s intelligence agencies were flying blind.

That’s when a clever Clinton-era lawyer proposed a workaround. What if we didn’t do the spying? What if our Five Eyes partners—the U.K., Canada, Australia, New Zealand—did it for us? They weren’t bound by our laws. And as long as the data came back to us after the fact, nothing was technically illegal. Just… aggressively bent.

The lawyer’s name? Vince Foster.

The program was called DEWDROP, and it led to the construction of a physically air-gapped data vault in the basement of WTC 7. No internet. No remote access. The only way in or out was via hand-carried drives retrieved by cleared British and Australian diplomats on weekday pickups.

OCEAN’S 9/11

In summer 2001, U.S. intelligence was picking up chatter: al-Qaeda was planning something. Then, in early September, the bin Laden desk got the actual target and date—September 11, World Trade Center. Normally, this would’ve gone straight into the president’s daily briefing. But the station chief, a bitter, disillusioned hardliner—Michael Scheuer—decided not to pass it on. He’d seen the “Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S.” memo ignored in August. He was done being ignored.

So he made a plan.

They couldn’t stop 9/11. But they could use it.

If the Towers fell Tuesday morning, they might take WTC 7 with them. DEWDROP data was only retrieved once a day. Anything it collected on Monday, September 10 would vanish with the vault.

That gave them one shot to pull off a black-budget heist to fund their own war. They didn’t bet on airline stocks—that would’ve drawn attention. Instead, they picked something no one would notice.

Old Dominion Freight Line.

On September 10, 2001, ODFL—a penny stock—jumped 20%. That wasn’t random. CIA operatives had discovered it was being considered for a minor Department of Defense logistics contract. They forged a Pentagon memo suggesting ODFL was about to land a much bigger, exclusive deal and fed it into DoD servers. When whispers started circulating, the stock soared. And the options they’d bought that morning paid off big. Boom. Ching-ching.

DEWDROP captured all of it: the fake memo, the phone calls, the trades.

Then the planes hit.

Problem solved.

Except… WTC 7 didn’t fall.

Now the building was evacuated, unstable, and full of evidence. The window was closing. The rogue unit panicked.

OPERATION SEAGRAMS

At 10 a.m. on September 11, they activated Operation SEAGRAMS: a plan to bring down WTC 7 with seven men.

The area was flooded with media and first responders. They couldn’t just plant explosives. But WTC 7 sat above a ConEd substation—one of the reasons it had been chosen for DEWDROP. That substation connected to a mile-long sewer line that started near the South Street Seaport.

The team entered through the Seaport, crawled through the tunnel, reached the substation, and planted charges at key support points. Then they retraced their route, changed clothes, and blended into the crowd walking across the Brooklyn Bridge.

At 5:20 p.m., they triggered the blast.

WTC 7 came down. DEWDROP was gone.

And within months, the Patriot Act made spying on ourselves legal anyway.

A conspiracy so vast…

If Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson is really serious about getting to the bottom of 9/11, he should look into it. Just don’t get your hopes up.

Old Dominion Freight Line has a significant presence in Wisconsin. And its stock just closed above $150.56.

Wake up, sheeple.