These Kids At Columbia? They're Bad. How Bad? Almost 6,000 Words Bad.

Bag 'em, tag 'em, and ship these dumbasses to Poland.

The kids are at it again, aren’t they?

To be honest with you, I was pretty fed up with this whole situation in the holy land. In the fall, I was deeply upset about October 7^th and the reaction of the American Left. I was very supportive of Israel killing every member of Hamas. I remain supportive of this goal in theory and morally, but at some point in the last few months, my patience began to run out. Too long, too many casualties.

However, since I do still blame Hamas for everything that has happened, I sort of didn’t have an angle to write about, and if I’m being honest, I just stopped following the news about the war.

I never really supported Israel getting aid. Not because I don’t like giving aid to allies in need—particularly when they’re going to spend all that money on American arms—but because it was never clear to me why they needed it. Israel is a prosperous country. Buy your own bombs. If they actually needed the money because they were firing cap guns, I’d be for wiring them whatever they needed, but it still isn’t clear to me why they need our money.

(Ukraine, for example, obviously needs our money since it’s a poor wartorn country. But Israel is not wartorn. Nor is it poor. Its economy is fine.)

Regardless, I don’t particularly care how the US chooses to spend $25 billion, so whatever.

But then everything got a bit dramatic these last couple of weeks.

Iran attacked Israel with a few hundred drones that ran on diesel and squeaked when they made right turns, and cable news was like, “Oh no, it’s World War III! The Jews have led us into annihilation!!!” but this was always absurd. World War? Please. Regional war, maybe, but even then, a regional war where only one participant had nuclear weapons. This was not World War material.

But the humorously useless drones were then all shot down by Israel, the US, and Jordan (the last of whom really complicated a lot of narratives). But then everyone was like, “Oh no, oh no, Israel will respond, and we’ll be doing World War III again! The Jews are going to bring us into World War III! Stop, Jews! Iran was just playing!”

This “just kidding” talking point was quite dumb. If you shoot a cop in the chest and he dies, when you are charged with murder, no one is going to give a shit that you assumed he was wearing a bulletproof vest.

Then the Jews did the nice thing and just destroyed some proportional targets. Pretend World War III was avoided.

We here in America were like, “Nice, time for the NBA playoffs and also this trial where Trump is going to have to watch people saying embarrassing details about the hush money-porn star thing we’ve all known about for years.”

But then these kids!

These kids from Columbia University! They just couldn’t keep it in their pants, could they?

The president of the school went to get yelled at by members of Congress for all the antisemitic harassment that happened in the fall. Apparently, some antisemitic dead-enders were still living in a shantytown in the middle of the university, and the president of the school was like, “Thank you, Bad Faith Republican, for your question about whether we think Jews should be thrown down wells, mineshafts, or any other deep dark hole. The answer is no! We at Columbia love Jews. We have some of them enrolled. Many read and write. All of them do arithmetic. Little walking talking cash registers, our Jews. I mean calculators. Walking talking calculators. I mean, humans. Little walking, talking humans. We also have moneyed Jews on the board of trustees who write very nice checks. Similarly, Columbia is located in the wealthiest and most culturally influential ghetto in America.”

“I’m not convinced,” some Republican congressperson who probably has Jews bound and gagged in their basement replied.

“Oh really?” the Columbia president said before exchanging whispers with her counsel. “OK, well, to prove we are serious about this whole ‘we like Jews’ thing, we’re going to get rid of that anti-money, I mean anti-Jew encampment on the lawn.”

And then an email went out tout de suite to the ignorant scofflaw teens, which said, “We called the cops. Leave now. They’re about to come! You’re going to get arrested if you don’t leave and anyone arrested is also suspended and evicted from their dorms.” The band of dumdum kids, which included Ilhan Omar’s daughter, were like, “Oh shit, suspended? Evicted from the dorms? We better go.” And then they got a bite to eat, gave a couple of speeches, and the next thing they knew, it was hours later, and the police were slowly approaching them and their encampment.

Nobody knew what these cops would do. Many Sidney Lumet films are about the NYPD’s dislike of these groups. You got Jews, Muslims, and college kids. Sort of a “don’t overthink it, just draw your gun and fire” moment for the NYPD of the 1970s. However, the NYPD of 2024 disappointed lots of left-wing nonprofits who are always thirsty for donations by failing to shoot anyone or even beat a single soul. They just arrested them in an orderly fashion. The loser kids were taken down to the jail and fingerprinted, given summonses for trespassing, and released. They were free to use their parents’ Expedia accounts to book hotel rooms since they had been locked out of their dorms.

It was all over. Everyone was happy.

Except not so.

There were other kids at Columbia who were like, “Oh my god, how could Columbia not let students live in the quad indefinitely while they get hand jobs and chant about colonialism?” Those kids then moved into the quad “in solidarity.”

These motherfuckers were more disruptive than the last ones! They started to tell Jewish students to go back to Poland! This is universally understood to be beyond the pale as far as insults go. Poland? I mean, what a shithole. But it’s especially heinous to say to Jews because of the Holocaust. It would be hard to believe that they actually said this if only because it is hard to believe that these students had ever thought enough about the details of their “no more Israel plan” to realize the Jews would need somewhere to go.

(For the members of Hamas these students have been having erotic dreams about for 8 months, the “somewhere” they want Jews to go is a gas chamber, but for these kids, it’s just anywhere they haven’t read about on Wikipedia lately.)