Please, Dear God, Stop Crying About Will Smith.

The nursery is empty—and all the babies are here.

For the last ten nights, not a single American has had a sound sleep. People who never had never struggled with insomnia before have been unable to achieve solid REM because they wake up in terror, sheets wetted from sweat, hysterically sobbing about what Will Smith did to Chris Rock at the Oscars (lightly slap him). 

In many cities, towns, villages, and shires across this great land, songs have been sung lamenting the death of American innocence. Bye Bye Miss American Pie, indeed.

The children of the country have become a menace. My own children, who don’t exist, have taken to viciously beating one another for even the slightest disagreements. We ran out of cereal. One of my sons had the last bowl. My other son hit him in the head with a shovel. When his mother told him that violence isn’t the answer, he flipped her off and said “Will Smith said it was ok.”

She had no response. He was right. Will Smith did tell my son it was ok to hit his brother with a shovel. She simply picked up our other son and took him to the hospital.

Many of us have turned to the Lord for answers in this difficult time. I myself have read the Bible cover to cover a half dozen times since last Sunday. It is no use. Will Smith is never mentioned. There is one passage in the New Testament about a cheek that might be relevant but as a Jew, it is inadmissible evidence. 

My cousin, who also doesn’t exist, was a huge I, Robot fan. He had I, Robot posters all over his apartment. He pulled them down and burned them. They were coated in polyethylene and the whole building burned down. Seventeen people were killed, including my cousin. His last words according to the paramedic who tried to save his life? “Why did Will Smith do this?”

Still, there is resilience. The strongest among us have been unafraid of standing up and doing what needs to be done, by which I mean, writing blogs about how Will Smith is not very nice at all.

Ben Dreyfuss @bendreyfuss

All these headlines are so deranged. “Oscars Shame!”

Yes, Smith resigned from the Academy and issued a public apology. But that isn’t enough! His movies have been put in turnaround because he’s just too controversial. How can any studio be expected to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on a film like Bad Boys 4? How can they be sure that the audience of such an intensely violent franchise won’t be turned off by Smith lightly raising his palm to someone’s face?

And not just his face! As one Forbes contributor pointed out this weekend (in an article that has since been taken down but is still up on some other sites), Smith slapped Rock in “the face and mouth.”

The face and mouth! 

Some people slap you in the face. Some people slap you in the mouth. The star of Wild Wild West slapped Chris Rock in both!