I hate Wendy (from Wendy's). I am not a lunatic.

Wendy must go.

What’s with this Wendy bitch? By which I mean, the mascot from the fast food chain Wendy’s.

Wendy’s is one of the big chains, ok? This isn’t some mom-and-pop burger joint in a town with one stoplight. This is a serious global operation. Over 7,000 locations worldwide. $14.5 billion in annual systemwide sales. Untold numbers of employees. And yet, this mascot? It makes no sense.

You will say, “What do you mean it makes no sense? The restaurant is called Wendy’s. That’s Wendy.” Oh wow, congrats—what are you, a Rhodes Scholar? I know who it is. I know the lore. I know it’s based on founder Dave Thomas’s daughter. I know the pigtails are supposed to represent “old-fashioned” values. But there is a massive gulf between “nostalgia” and “psychological warfare,” and Wendy has been camping in that gulf since 1969.

To be clear, I have no problem with the flesh and blood Wendy. I’m sure she’s lovely and wonderful. My problem is with Wendy the mascot.

This mascot is the devil, ok?

She is a demonic predator. She’s up to something, and it’s no good. I’m not crazy; I’m just the brave bastard willing to speak for the silent majority. Everyone finds this Wendy mascot terrifying and repulsive because she is a “nominal human” who has spent fifty-five years rotting in the Uncanny Valley.

Let us count the reasons why this mascot is bad: