Demi Moore Is Great. Here Is A Funny Story About Demi Moore.
The first entry in a new series about nice celebrities.
The story goes that Hollywood celebrities are selfish pricks, but in my experience, that is not true. Almost every celebrity I’ve ever met has been nice and cool. So, to combat this evil, untrue conventional wisdom about Hollywood stars, I am starting this occasional series where I tell nice little anecdotes about my interactions with celebrities. Nice Celebrities is the working title. This entry is about Demi Moore, who I love.
When I was in 4th grade, I got into a mild little fight on the playground, which ended when this kid pushed me into a tree, and a branch went straight into my glass eye. If I wasn’t blind already in that eye, this would have blinded me, but I was blind in that eye already, so the result was just that I had a branch lodged in the corner of my glass eye.
The kid, who was my friend, was terrified that he was about to get in trouble and I was like, “don’t worry. I’m not going to rat you out,” so I told the teachers that I had tripped and fell into the branch.
The kid, bless his heart, then felt bad watching me say that because I sounded so stupid and clumsy that he said, “well, I might have accidentally bumped into him” or something.
The school would not remove the branch. They were unprepared to deal with glass eyes with branches in them, so they told me that I needed to wait for my mom or nanny to come and help me with it. They didn’t want to get sued.
In all honesty, I could have dealt with this myself, but I wanted to go home and was also annoyed that they were being such babies, so I was less helpful than I could have been and sort of milked it.
Anyway, they called my house, and I was told to sit down and wait. So I’m sitting in the elementary school lobby with this branch in my eye, and through the doors comes Demi Moore.
I knew Demi a little because we lived in a small town and her eldest daughter was a year behind me in school but she was still Demi Moore. She had just been in Striptease, and I was a 10-year-old boy who had watched that movie 15 zillion times on Cinemax.
She sees me sitting there looking like an idiot and is like, “Ben, what’s going on?” And I explain that I ran into a tree and this branch went into my eye and the dumb school refused to help me.
She looks at the teachers with utter disdain. “I’m just going to take it out.” I’m sitting on this chair, and she mounts me—tits right up in my face—and says, “Don’t worry.”
“I trust you,” i say, meekly hiding my exuberance.
She rips out the branch, which causes my eye to fall out. She dismounts me, picks up the glass eye, brushes it off on her shirt, and hands it back to me.
“You should probably wash it off.”
“Ha, yeah, I will.”
“OK, see you later.”
And she walked into her daughter’s classroom.
Basically, it was the best moment a 10-year-old one-eyed boy could ever dream of.
A few years later…
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